It’s February 14th, the feeling of love is everywhere, and you’re…well…uh…Single on Valentine’s Day, huh?
You’re not alone. Well, actually, yes, you are. Bitterly, utterly alone.
However, that’s no reason to stay inside licking your relationship wounds and thinking the types of thoughts that serial killers think. The fact is, we’ve all been there at some point or another, and there are some time-honored cures for the Valentine’s Day blues that work fairly consistently. Here are a few ways to make sure your February 14th is as good as anyone else’s-or at least, somewhere close.
- Watch a movie. Nothing romantic-it’s not Valentine’s Day in your house, damn it. Get something with enough blood to make The Passion Of The Christ look like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Get a movie that’s got enough explosions and car wrecks to drown out the sound of you softly crying to yourself.
- Hang out with your single friends. Yeah, both of them. You don’t see those guys enough-get a poker game together and beat the crap out of the first person who mentions that it’s Valentine’s Day. Take off your shirts and scream at the moon. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find out that you’re gay. It’s like a Valentine’s Day win-win.
- Drink. There’s nothing like a fifth of Jack Daniel’s to annihilate those unrequited feelings of love your pathetic heart’s been harboring over the past year. Whether you’re into beer, liquor, or Bacardi mixers (it’s okay; you’re alone, nobody will ever know), just know that you can’t remember that it’s Valentine’s Day if you can’t remember your name. For an added bonus, try playing drinking games yourself. Take that, heart!
- Download pornography on the Internet. If you want to take things in a different direction, embrace Valentine’s Day by embracing yourself!
This one’s getting uncomfortable, so I’ll leave you to yourself and move onto the next point…
- Whatever you do, don’t call your ex-girlfriends. Or ex-boyfriends, if #2 went more successfully than you’d thought. It can’t ever make any situation better. Instead, get drunk and dial random people in the phone book. You’ll have a much better chance.
- Remember that Valentine’s Day is a corporate holiday with no inherent value for anyone other than the massive corporations that profit every year from the exploitation of romantic love, and our culture accepts Valentine’s Day because of our flawed idea that every emotion, sentiment, and belief requires a day of celebration rather than a year-long social meditation on the merits of each.
Well, anyways, that’s what you can tell yourself as you softly cry yourself to sleep.